A: ohmigawd you look great! what’d you do?!
B: err got PTSD… it reduces your appetite
A: wait really?
B: yeah suddenly I just wasn’t hungry anymore and I became obsessive with working out
A: that’s awesome
B: yeah kind of but not really at the same time. my therapist said its technically an eating disorder but since it’s factored into the PTSD symptoms, I don’t need the diagnosis
A: are you eating again now?
B: yeah kind of, I’m just less anal about no soda and eating cleanly and stuff
A: so you lost ten pounds all because of a mental thing?
B: yes it had a major influence
A: I want something traumatic to happen to me
A: no really, I do. What should happen?
hot core yoga - fucking killer. in there for less than 15 minutes and my entire body was shaking, sweat dripping everywhere. smelt so bad. spandex, tank, headband all soaked through. it was an advanced class, I was kind of lost at some times & other times just could not even think about attempting the postures but there were a lot of similar postures to ones in the bikram sequence so I liked that familiarity. at my mom’s bikram studio, the second you walk into the room, you are NOT allowed to talk. you don’t whisper, acknowledge other people, you just walk into the humidity, lay down your matt and gripper, get yourself situated, and sit. the teacher is very professional, offering tips and assisting people, never straying from the bikram way of teaching. here, though, friends are chatting throughout the class and the teacher is making jokes, telling personal stories, people are taking breaks on their own time, etc. when I go to bikram, I am scared to take a break & the teacher simply just won’t let you for more than a couple seconds anyways. I prefer the bikram way. I thought it was disrespectful for people in the class to be talking - it is distracting and takes away from the personal connection you are supposed to find with yourself. I did like the more lenient teaching approach though. I was less intimidated and it really felt like a class instead of a group workout place where everyone knows exactly what to do. so pros and cons to each approach I guess. I burnt 681 calories and feel like I am going to collapse.
the hot room and smell of sweat reminded me of going to bikram with my mom over winter break. she’s been going for years and always asked me to go with her and I would say no. this year she asked if I would go on her birthday and I figured I would - maybe I would like it. of course I loved it, and the smell of my sweat in the heat and watching my arms glisten and sweat trickle down my calves reminds me of being with my mom. she is so good at bikram, so strong! I want to be like that too one day.
so naturally I am about to start heading over to the local yoga studio for hot core yoga class in a room heated to +80 degrees. I am already nauseous thinking about it & am wondering at what point I will ralph my brains out. usually classes are 1.30 and this one is 1.45 & I kind of wish I hadn’t checked the schedule to know that. honestly, I think the only reason I do yoga is for the resting period at the end where I can basically fall asleep and have an instructor massage my temples or hand me a lavender scented cool towel. all the moves and planks and squats are, you know, groovy but I just do it for that naptime.
Synth indie rockers Metric recently released the first single off their fifth studio album, Synthetica. The track, esoterically titled, “Youth Without Youth,” is full of the band’s staple sound: looping guitar riffs, lush synthesizers, and lead singer Emily Haines girlish coo.
Though the song has an upbeat vibe and is easy to dance to, Haines explains on the website that the track is “…a very slow sad story about the decaying social state through the eyes of a depraved child.” Despite its emotional undercurrents, she then described the song as a “generous helping of ‘70s sleaze” with a “Gary Glitter beat” in order to make people forget the political undertone and just dance.
The band also recently announced a lengthy North American tour to coincide with the mid-July release of their album. Click here for a full list of tour dates.
Metric always reminds me of senior year of hs - monster hospitaaaal can you please release meeeee
a major part of ptsd therapy entails recounting your experience and then listening to the recording of you recounting the experience [which is done in present tense] once a day. the recounting is really really really hard. I close my eyes and the lights are kept dim. while I go through the minutes, I am asked my anxiety level rating, and, as the ratings have begun to diminish, albeit slightly, to elaborate on certain points. I have to mention my senses but most of the time I just say what I was thinking, which was a lot. today afterwards I was asked how I feel about everything in retrospect, and I still feel like everything is my fault & I wish that more memories were more vivid so I could know when to begin blaming myself and when to stop.
this past weekend when I was visiting Leanne I ran into a lot of kids that I graduated with. since graduation, one in particular has garnered the reputation of being creepy & initially I just thought that was people embellishing for attention and that this just became something he was viewed as instead of what he really is. wrong - he is fucking creepy. throughout the night he referred to me as a tease, slut, whore, and accused me of trying to have sex with the guy I had met at the bar. in the cab ride home he wouldn’t let me out of his grip and was trying to make me feel guilty about talking to said guy & said that I probably would have preferred spending the night at his house. earlier in the night he was talking to me about his roommate’s relationship while whispering into my neck with his hand gripping the back of my neck into him so I couldn’t move. apparently I am a tease & when I asked him why, I get a cryptic you know what you did. err, no I fucking don’t. the only thing I know is that I haven’t spoken to this kid in years, we weren’t even really friends in high school more so associated with the same social circle, and he has absolutely no fucking idea what I’ve been doing since. I made friends with the guy at the bar because he is moving to my hometown post-graduation, I took his number so we could stay in touch, and was genuinely considering going home with him [something I’ve never done before] because I was afraid of getting in a cab with creeper. later I found out from Leanne that earlier this year a girl was going to press charges against him but he was able to convince her to drop the charges and spoke with her parents.
I was genuinely afraid. he tried spending the night at her apt but we were able to call one of his roommates to pick him up. I felt so uncomfortable, by his physical actions and what he was saying, both of which were so so so inappropriate. a lot of parents think he’s a great guy, especially my mom, and I called her the next morning being all yo listen to this bullshit. she gave me some pretty good advice and said that there is no way I am getting out of taking self-defense or martial arts classes though even now I can’t really deny the benefit of being able to defend myself & she basically banned me from interacting with him again - no need to ask me twice.
since then, though, I keep thinking that I should have done more. gone and talked to one of the bartenders or the manager at the bar, contacted campus police or security, or attempted to hit him or scream. I am kind of ashamed that I didn’t do more, especially in light of the past few months. I brought this up today - the feeling that there was more I could have done then, just as I feel as though there is more that could be done now. and my therapist brought up a good point; that in the moment, I didn’t have those options, and these options have only come to mind after having a clear head and being able to think the night through. I can’t blame myself because at the time I was preoccupied with my safety instead of acting completely rationally. it is good, however, that I was able to recognize that something was wrong. so I don’t know, I want to lose these feelings of shame. put them towards something more aggressive like confronting or at least yelling out my window.
this song always makes me feel so melancholy which is good because it makes me think but then bad because I love this song but end up kind of sad when I listen to it. its so beautiful though! I dunno, reminds me of freshman year, spring in the convo - specifically running on the bike path towards o’bleness. I don’t know why the bike path and not the boat or with millie or my broken heart because of eric. it reminds me of the first sunny weekend when nat and I went uptown to tropical tanning or when Alex and I spent my last dollars on chuck palahniuk books at folletts. it makes me happy because even though I was depressed, with alex, kenz, & nat I was truly happy and less rigid, and all I can think about was how carefree we were - yeah we were stressed but we were never without laughter or dumb stories or sleeping in one anothers beds.
On May 11, 1962, 38 year-old Vernon R. Alden was inaugurated as the 15th president of Ohio University. Ohio University Libraries is celebrating the 50th anniversary of President Emeritus Alden’s inauguration with a year of events and accolades.
“It is an honor for us to host the event because Alden Library was one of Alden’s most significant accomplishments during his presidency and remains one of his lasting legacies,” said Scott Seaman, dean of OU Libraries.
The celebration, which kicks off on April 28, will include art exhibits, dinners and events with special guests and speakers such as current Ohio University President Roderick McDavis, President Emeritus Charles J. Ping and Dr. Alden himself. Student reunions, including groups such as the Ohio Fellows and former library student employees, also will be part of the year-long celebration.
ok so I am done freaking the fuck out [kind of] I don’t know. for now at least. this weekend I was able to drink with natalie, apparently natalie only. I met up with some other friends at the CI on thursday and panicked and left. the next night nat and I started at tony’s and saturday we were at casa & I was able to drink for the first time in a long long long long time and not be all abusing alcohol due to anxiety & shit. so I still panicked, not full on panic, but at particular bars and around particular people I could feel my heart beating faster and my breathing become more rapid and my hands get clammy. tunnel vision, hello. part of me wants to go out wearing my hrm and see what happens. the other part of me thinks that would make me sad.
a lot of people think that ptsd is something you can just ‘get over’. [as if this is is something I chose to feel or be or biologically react to or whatever the appropriate verb is] so when I am standing in the basement at CI knowing that I need to get home, everyone is all no Ken the only way you’re going to fight this is by staying thank you, friends, I must have missed the 6 or 7 years you spent earning your doctorate in psychology. with nat though, I can be all, let’s get the fuck out & she’s all sure. it’s nice hearing natalie say ‘ken I’m really proud of you for going out tonight’ even though I was only gone for about 45 minutes, instead of goddamnit kendall get back out there and sweat!
sometimes I wonder if people can tell that I am starting to panic. part of me wants to wear a sign or begin every conversation with hey I was just diagnosed with ptsd, excuse my jittery motions, don’t be alarmed if I suddenly run away, it’s not you, it’s me but then I wonder if people can actually tell that I am uncomfortable. I think not. everyone goes on about my apparent confidence which they don’t understand is my eventual state of not giving a shit because I will not get over my shyness or that when I am ignoring everyone and being sarcastic, that’s because you’re annoying and I would prefer if you left me alone. but THEN there are the moments when I am having internal breakdowns and that’s when I wonder if anyone can tell. natalie and I were talking about this the other day - this internal conflict with having the lowest self esteem ever but then also a real freaking big ego that completely contradict one another & make trying to explain my internal dialogue frustrating which makes me stumble on my words.
"internal dialogue" wait but I just don’t get what chronic depression and generalized anxiety is. like what is therapy going to do?well, millie, hopefully it will stop the internal dialogue in my headinternal dialogue?! are you schizophrenic?…no
the Valerian knocked me out until about noon this morning. I tried to get up at 9 but my head was so heavy. also, I had some really fucked up dreams.
today is [so far] a vast improvement from yesterday. I skipped my first two classes because I was conked out. then I made a healthy breakfast and did my diabetes stuff and wrote it down in my diabetes journal and took all my pills. this is great because I haven’t been keeping track of my blood sugar / insulin for the past week and a half, and that is not something I can mess around with.
I drove to baker and parked because I could not imagine walking to my therapy session with my robot leg. therapy went well. yesterday and earlier this morning I was really angry - woah no surprise there - and I really wanted to tell my therapists and group therapy to shove it and leave me alone. but I went anyways and I felt a lot better. I feel like there I can explain a lot of my unexplainable feelings ha ha ha. therapy is starting to get more intense - it will be interesting to see how these next few weeks play out.
I should be hearing from some more schools soon. I really hope I get into a couple of them, others I’m kind of meh. but it would be nice to start getting a better idea of what city I am going to be living in so I can start looking for apartments and making drs appts and the like. oh I also don’t really mind this boot thing. I get embarrassed walking with it because it makes noise and it’s kind of hard because I have a tendency to shuffle my feet & shuffling is pretty impossible with my boot BUT I have to admit that my foot feels so much better. so I like my boot now.
taking valerian extract mixed in lemonade to hopefully have a better night’s rest. it tastes weird - like I’m swallowing grass that has soaked in lemonade. my psychiatrist recommended it to me when I complained about having trouble sleeping. I think tomorrow I will mix it in a cup of sleepy time tea because this tastes like shit. valerian is supposed to have some really cool properties though. restful sleep without that drugged feeling in the morning, more energy and a happier demeanor. it is a sedative so there is the possibility that you may become really loopy and have super realistic dreams.
today was stressful. my emotions were so powerful. thankfully I have nat. I don’t know what I would do without her, she seems to be the only person to calm me down. she really deserves like a golden medal or a million dollars for how much she has helped me. I like nat because she is not afraid to show a different perspective. I feel like sometimes people don’t do that because they don’t want to upset someone even more, but Natalie is really great at helping me understand why I am acting certain ways and why other people are acting particular ways.
I have a boot for the tendinitis in my left foot. the boot is so weird! the bottom isn’t flat, rather it is slightly curved to mimic the step the foot makes. my ankle has is not able to move & I glide slash stomp. this boot is awkward and heavy but even I can’t deny how much better my foot feels - its so nice to stand up and not feel like my foot is going to fall off. I am kind of nervous for walking around campus tomorrow. I hope people don’t laugh at me. I’m really afraid that I am going to trip or not be able to walk down a necessary step of stairs or something.
In other news, bought the Maybelline baby lips in cherry && I really love it. A great lip balm with actual color so I can stop looking so weird.
Okay I feel fucked up. Tell you all about the valerian tomorrow OKIEE
I have tendonitis. Cool. I have to walk around with a boot on my foot for the next two weeks and will be doped up on painkillers. Some people would be amped about this but I am just really pissed off. Now, I will be taking five pills in the morning and six pills at night. That is 11 pills total for a 21 year old, not counting the muscle relaxers for my stomach and the fuckton of injections for my diabetes. Besides the insulin and lovely acne meds, NONE OF THESE PILLS DO ANYTHING.
Okay cool. I’m on the highest amount of wellbutrin. Has my depression subsided? No. I take two doses of buspar. Has my anxiety decreased? No. I have strattera coursing through my blood stream at all hours of the day. Has my so-called ‘adhd’ been helped at all? No.
If anything, I am at the same place I was last year but worse. Now when I say I don’t want to do anything, I really mean it. That is no longer a euphemism for lay in bed and eat popchips or stay inside and skype my boyfriend or isolate myself and hang out with books all day or exercise like a madwoman, shower, and collapse exhausted on my sheets. nope. now when I say it, I genuinely mean lying in my bed or on the floor or sitting in a couch doing absolutely nothing. closing my eyes and talking to no one and hearing silence and not being bothered by stupid pills and doctors and diagnoses and shitty friends
I am skipping group therapy today. I didn’t want to go. Instead I am lying in bed with the arms of a giant stuffed bear around me, snuggling into a tie-dye covered beer belly with tears and snot dripping down my face.
being depressed is annoying. I feel so alone and I know that soon I will legitimately be all alone because everyone will leave me - who wants to be around a sad person?
anyways my fucking foot hurts I have no idea how you are supposed to walk with a boot on your foot and I am terrified by the idea that if I run into so&so, I will have no way to get away. tomorrow I am telling my counselor I am done. I don’t want to talk about this anymore and I don’t want to go through the stupid ptsd thing and I really want to take a leave of absence and never come back.