I feel like I’ve already missed everything, that it’s too late to move to a new city or fall in love or start a career. I am afraid I’m going to spend the rest of my life playing catch up. I am afraid that I will never be able to be present, to enjoy what’s happening, and that my life will be a series of ups and downs but I will always feel the downs and only remember the ups months or years later, when the joy is a memory and not a full fledged genuine emotion. I want to move to the UK but am afraid to make another move by myself and I don’t know where to find people who will actually move with me or if I should just stop trying to find people at all and live as a recluse. I’ve been feeling very “what’s the point” lately and it’s not attractive, rather it’s quite sophomoric but I don’t know how else to feel.
when your life has been characterized by depression and anxiety, how do you learn how to feel differently?
in april of 2013 I had a sex number conversation with one of my guy friends over mugs of beer and steak sandwiches. at the time he was 25 and had slept with over 80 girls. I asked if he knew all their names and he laughed and asked does “girl at bar” count? I realized that though my own sexual escapades may have made me “girl at bar” in the eyes of my various sexual partners, I never wanted to not be able to remember the name of the guys I have had sex with. so I started a list. then it turned into two lists - one just listing the names of the various dudes one after the other, the other listing the number of times and order of said various dudes because, you know, once I find my favorites I like to recycle them.
the other day I was updating my list and realized that I’ve had sex with a lot less people this year than I had by this point last year. I wonder why that is? I have sex to make up for whatever emotional deficiency I am dealing with at the time, and right now I just feel so exhausted, so emotionless, that I don’t even have the energy to use sex to mask my emotions or lack thereof.
I’m seeing a physician tomorrow because I’ve lost 10 pounds in the past ten days. I’m exhausted and my hair is falling out. I have no sexual desire. I am the epitome of lethargy. I think all of these things are related - some sort of hormonal disorder I think. if that is the issue, when I get it fixed, what will happen to my sexual drive? is this something that happens as you grow older - it comes in waves? whats happened?
I spent the fourth at home in dc. my friends and I were in the middle of a conversation and kelsey referred to me as the “crazy one” - we expect you to have sex, we expect you to do lines of coke off a dresser, we expect you to smack the guy who approaches you at a bar etc etc. I just don’t think crazy is the right word. my stories make me crazy? why does liking sex and drugs and sticking up for myself make me crazy, and not just simply human?
what’s with the label? why do I always feel so sick? what is wrong with me?
and this has been a 5:45 am list and rant, courtesy of dr pepper
this isn’t anything besides a list of things I need to do / read / see but I can’t find a clean sheet of paper to write on so here we go:
Nick McDonell is the author of Twelve. You hated the movie, the book was meh (in 2012). Read his other two “highly acclaimed novels” The Third Brother and An Expensive Education, and his various pieces of journalism, and re-decide if you like him.
Twelve is like Less Than Zero, so you might as well re-read that as well. And, perhaps all Palahniuk. And then remember why you like, and dislike, transgressional fiction so much
Watch Pan’s Labyrinth because you love it
Stop reading your tumblr from 2008. It’s making you depressed
Go see Palo Alto. Try to forget that you don’t like James Franco as a writer and watch with an open mind, critique later
Rummage through your million stacks of books and find A Visit From the Goon Squad (seriously. where the fuck did you put it?). If you can’t find it, buy it again but not via amazon
Cry because David Sedaris is speaking at Politics and Prose, and you left your copy of Let’s Explore Diabetes With Owls in freaking Boston
Also - do more research on the whole Amazon/Hachette war
DO NOT give in to the lure of new york city, no matter how enticing (for instance, just because someone has an apt in the east village, that does not mean you should go to said apt in the east village)
DO give in to the lure of the mountains, of leelanau, to diet vernors and cheeseshop on the dock, lake michigan walks, fleece blankets, melted toes, legs bit by gravel, kissing at the lot on the roof of the jeep, to sand in your underwear, tying knot after knot while sliding through the river —- give in to that life, not this one
Is it possible to be over it all by 23? Blogging, going out to the coolest places, going to all the shows, the art galleries, reading contemporary literature, memorizing Howl, writing poetry, performing said poetry, eating clean, working out, only drinking good drinks, blah blah blah. I feel like everyone is trying to do these things but I’ve done them and I don’t have the energy anymore besides liking what I like for no reason besides the fucking fact that I like them.
It’s weird. I feel like if someone were to meet me now they would have no idea of the shit I’ve done, of what I am capable of. And why? What has stunted me the past two years? My stress reducers used to be creative and now I don’t know what they are- alcohol? Sex? Am I stunted? Or am I finally learning to just be myself and like things because I want to like them, and not feel the need to justify said things?
I feel like my life in virginia and my life wherever else I am living (Michigan, Athens, London, Boston) will never converge. I am two different people and I always yearn for the other. Of course, because of course. I want Boston, I want Michigan, I want the crooked narrow streets of hidden London, I want the New York subway, I want to drink coffee and walk along the canals in Amsterdam, I want Alex, I want Katie, I want Cat, I want all of these things and I don’t know how to get them.
The other day I went to our dive wearing a tye-dye shirt, jeans, and a Marc Jacobs jacket I wore throughout the UK four years ago. I was being given the usual spiel by a drunken [married] man (er, manchild) who graduated from my high-school in 2003 “you’re gorgeous. you’re so sexy. your breasts are like little pillows I want to sleep on. you are so smart. love me love me love me" and because I am trying this thing called "being nice" in the hopes that it turns guys away because the whole "sarcastic aggressive" thing was just getting me laid (them laid?) too much (lol. too much- is that possible?), I let him give me (unasked) advice on my life while my hands balled into my pockets and I scrapped my knuckle against a piece of rock. I had completely forgotten it was there, but like all good stolen memorabilia, I remembered the hardened ash and pumice from the caldera at the Phlegraean Fields in Italy that I picked up while visiting my uncle in Naples. So, yes Mr HHS Class of 2003, please give me your stupid advice and mistake my smiling eyes for naiveté but do you have a fucking piece of the Solfatara crater in your pants pocket? PROBABLY FUCKING NOT. I do not need your advice.
…or anyone’s actually because I’ve spent a lot of fucking time on my own and have turned out pretty okay for the most part, and really, what the fuck could you tell me that I haven’t figured out myself already? Sure, some interesting info about planning a wedding and some tidbits about mortgages and also maybe how to cheat on your spouse but I’ll learn all that shit in due time and everything that comes out of your mouth is just words, empty fucking words.
I guess that’s the whole point of this. People keep telling me what to do in order to be “something” without stopping to think that maybe my “something” has already happened, and yeah I’m fucking confused as shit about where my life is headed, but I like myself and the way I am and how I do things, but people keep speaking, instead of listening, keep trying to shape me into “something” but I am no longer malleable, I am done.
However, I did have an extraordinary amount of fervor once, and I don’t know where it went. So:
boy #2 @ 9:30pm: “hey, haven’t talked to you in awhile. what have you been doing?”
boy #3 @ 10:45pm: “happy new year kg. what are you wearing?” (straight and to the point, I appreciate it)
so if someone could please explain why these dudes have been nonexistent for the past couple months and then, on the same day, all decide strike up a conversation that I have no desire to partake in?! sorry boys I’ve grown up and am not falling for your sales pitch expressions of love. I am over you over you OVER YOU BYE
(besides #3 because lets be honest, I’ve been in love with him last fall —- and a laugh that makes you want to be funny just so you can hear it again oh fuck.)
it is 7:12 am on wednesday morning. I have been up since yesterday. closed last night at work and got home around 2:30 am which is pretty nice and then clearly I decided to go through all of my syllabi and write all my assignments in my planner and then just curl up under my covers and not sleep. what the fuck is that about.
I miss Athens and OU so much. I look back on it and want to go back, and I worry that I will do that in a few years when I look back on Boston and that makes me so sad but I have no idea what to do differently so I can look back and feel fine. I think that when I move to Chicago it will be like that, similar to Athens, just because so many of my friends will be in one concentrated area and that makes me feel calm. It’s like, I look back on OU and think that I could have tried harder but then I think that is something that I only know because I’ve grown up - that I was good enough for OU, that I was smart enough, that now I have the confidence that I really really really needed while at school - and as for now, in Boston, I’m not sure there is anything else I can be doing, and maybe that’s more validated than me at OU.
I have to be at work at 10:45 and won’t be done until 5:45. so sleeping would be preferable. I am assuming it’s the lithium and strattera and wellbutrin keeping me up. cocktail wooh. I hate taking them - now I’ve started psyching myself up about swallowing pills which should really be the least of my worries - but I get so depressed when I am not on them. I mean dangerously depressed, dark and sad and gone from normality. so I have to take them. a lot of people disappointed me this past weekend and I was pretty morose while at work and a few people asked me if I was okay and it made me feel nice, that people weren’t tossing my feelings aside. but I guess it ends there because it wasn’t as if I was comfortable enough with anyone to explain why I was sad, all I could do was smile and say “yeah I’m fine.” which I am, I guess comparatively speaking to when I’m been reaaaal bad, but I’m not fine, I think.
sometimes I try to remember who I was before I felt I should change to appease the many people in Boston who think I should because I’m “different” and now I can’t remember who that person was. which I don’t think is a good thing. rather I think it’s kind of upsetting and I’m a bit disappointed in myself.
if you want really sexual lips, slather them with FRESH Sugar lip treatment and then basically everyone will want to kiss you. I should know, as the last guy I made out with basically wouldn’t get his lips off me. I mean, he was also “coked out of his mind” but I like to think it was my extremely kissable self that got him worked up in a state, and not the cocaine.
I am not a city person. I like cities and love cities but I need to settle down in a cabin up north. There is pressure in cities that I don’t yet know how to avoid and I feel drained, so very drained. I am going location shopping soon, need to get a plan together.
my mom asked me if I’ve been writing lately. she’s never really done this before. she keeps saying I should start formulating a plot outline or just write write write. but then Sonya told me the same thing earlier this week. and it’s like where do I even start? I’m setting myself up for failure.
However. My psych has been helping me recognize my “racing” thoughts which I never thought I had and now I’m like oh fuck that’s what that’s been this whole time?? I thought I was just acting out melodramas in my fucking head. Whenever I do have these racing periods, I always start to feel anxious. It’s why I first prescribed xanax in the first place all those years ago. On Monday I was too lazy to get my pills so I tried to write out what I was thinking instead. It wasn’t as clear as I wanted it to be and it wasn’t as lyrical, but it was there. And it did help, it calmed me down at least. I think it would be good to start doing that - writing down the racing thoughts and then going back and editing them later. Some patterns might come up.
I’ve been reading a lot. I suddenly have confidence to go to bars by myself. I gave up sex and candy bars for Lent. I need a girl best friend here like stat like fucking yesterday. I’ve started a sociological experiment called why don’t boys my age like me and why is it that only people over the age of 27 talk to me at bars and find me interesting while I feel like I’m on a different planet than everyone my age? I asked Jeff for some insight on this issue and he seriously says “it’s your emo bangs, they’re intimidating” and then he said “you cut people off to quickly” and I said well that’s because unlike you, I have standards and I’m not going to start genuinely liking someone just because they show some sort of interest. but maybe my standards are to high.
yesterday while watching the pats/ravens game an acquaintance asked me what the point of publishing realistic fiction for teens was. “why should teens be reading depressing books about sensitive topics, they should all be happy. teens don’t need to read that.”
WELL I’m happy that your childhood was so hunky-dory but that is definitely NOT THE CASE for every child in america you ignorant twat. what’s the point? what’s the point?!? are you fucking kidding me? life happens and life isn’t always a good time. bad things happen to good people, good people do bad things. teenagers should read books they can connect with, that depict everyday life - both the good and the bad. shielding teenagers from realistic fiction is both an insult to their intelligence and a way to negate the emotional response a novel can produce. I was so shocked she said that. It was so snotty. It made me thankful for the millionth time that I never divulged any of my bad life parts to her. It’s this quintessential Ivy League thing. Sheltered life, sheltered college experience that seems to be the only topic of conversation, job at a great company - but what are you passionate about? What are your interests?
She referred to us as free spirits. She is not a free spirit at all. Straight-backed to the bone. And me?? I am definitely not a free spirit. Are you serious?? I’m doped up on anxiety meds how the fuck am I a free spirit.
in which Kendall reads the description of a novel for class and panic ensues
my professor has recommended that I read through reviews of all the books we’re going to read and let her know if there are certain novels I’ll have too much trouble with so she can provide a different title. I have trouble reading such realistic depictions about rape but I’ve been able to power through or give myself more time than usual to get through it because I know it will be hard. So I wasn’t entirely sure that I would take her up on that option.
Then I read the review of one of the novels we’re reading for next class. It’s about a rape that happens in Athens. It’s incestual, which has no relation to me, but rape nonetheless. THIS is hard - street names, geographical landmarks, local tidbits, only found in Athens. Lack of police help, only found in Athens. No one listening to you, only found in Athens. And then found in this book, that cuts too close, correlates too much, to the me that can only be found in Athens.
The heaviness before a panic attack is resonating through my body. My heart hurts. I want to get the panic attack over with but it’s dull, I know it’s not going to go away. I can’t talk about this relationship without crying. It’s easier to tell someone and then suddenly if I say I can’t read this book because of the setting, I’m choking out the word Athens.
I’ve been trying to work on my anticipatory anxiety but have no idea how I am going to get over this. I think I will try and set up a counseling session before class. Keep working on my breathing or whatever.
it’s morning #4 of a mood stabilizer induced sleep and I feel great. I’ve been sleeping on a normal schedule and I feel eerily calm. But not like other drug induced calms where you become really sleepy, just more slow I guess. I can focus much better. For the first time in months I was able to read a book straight through and retain the information; it was such a wonderful feeling. Drinking on it makes my heart pound and I had a triple espresso Thursday night & was entirely too over stimulated. I was so jittery. I start therapy in a week and a half which is good because feb 9 is coming and I don’t really know what is going to happen.
I went on a date with this guy on Thursday. We went to an improv show and then grabbed a couple drinks. He’s really nice, funny, into a lot of the same pop culture isms that I am. He’s a producer for a television show in the area and it’s really cool hearing about his job. He texted me all day yesterday and it made me go sour. I can’t do the whole texting convo through the whole day unless its like my bffs because otherwise I feel like people think that compensates for legitimate conversation, and it doesn’t. I would prefer if someone were to text me funny anecdotes or just to say hi, and then leave me alone and really talk when I’m with them later.
Naturally I was recapping the whole thing with Elliot yesterday. I don’t like being touched by people. So the texting thing bothered me but then I could tell that he liked me and I don’t know why but that just makes me not want to pursue anything with him. I feel like I attract these adoring boys who put me on this pedestal and find me incredibly endearing but I am not the sort of person who should be revered. Like, at all. I take advantage of it and manipulate situations and I’ve always been so used to getting my way and what I want that it’s actually fucking me over out here in the real world. This doesn’t make sense. It made sense when I was explaining it to Elliot. It’s just, I get away with everything - I’m always getting away with everything - and I guess I want to meet someone who will finally call me out on my shit and sit me down and say “stop pouting” “the world doesn’t revolve around you” “get over yourself” but then also have the emotional capacity to be sensitive when I’m in my deep deep depression. I feel some people try to do that with me - call me out on my shit - but when I go to them for support, it’s blown off or deemed not important enough or “minuscule” compared to what I do have, and it’s like, why? Why do people do that?
news update: am unable to fully commit to my boycott of john green because the fault in our stars is on my contemporary realistic fiction list. we have been told to get over ourselves and leave our feelings at the door, which is kind of unfortunate because I was interested to see if anyone else in the class has heard about his casual racist remark and how they feel about it.
news update 2: I will go back to fully committing when the semester is over. So the last week in April ya’ll.
news update 3: I follow a lot of book blogs and ya know what I hate? When people quote lines from books they haven’t read. How can you understand the importance of a quote if you have no context in which to place it? You just like the pretty words, not the meaning. And you’re advertising to people that you have read the book which is lying which is not cool. Especially if your blog is strictly about books though maybe I’ll get crazy and have this apply to everyone and their mother.
where do men (boys?) get off thinking they can just hit on you whenever they want at any time of the day. I’ve spent years perfecting my saucy simmering anger and my glare and my “you’re incompetent grow a fucking brain” look and yet they are NOT deterred! just because I’m sitting over here air guitaring to smoke on the water, munching on my five guys burger and creeperily looking at the amazing 100+ option coke machine to figure out how to steal it DOES NOT MEAN I want to be hit on. More importantly, I’m obviously busy as fuck being weird as fuck, what in gods name do you want with me.
I would much prefer if I were reading a novel on the T or at a coffeeshop and a guy came up to me and was like hey I love that book wanna chat. Or like if I was blasting my current playlist of choice and a guy was like hey I love that cover of heart of glass, a bluegrass band is playing at a bar in Cambridge wanna go? BUT NO. THOSE MEN (BOYS?!?) DON’T EXIST EVIDENTLY.
and this has been a rant by Kendall as she eats her way through her anger at five guys, clearly negating her clean eating and guaranteeing an hour long run. GLUTEUS MAXIMUS.
today I slept and when I woke up I decided to go on a run. I can’t decide if I want to start training again, I probably will. Running the Athens half was really fun. I need new music to run too & I kept stopping to adjust my shorts or my headphones or to change the song and then I finally settled into the groove and ran ran ran for 45 minutes. I felt like I was back where I was in April, when I could run 7 minute miles easy peasy and spent my Sundays running loops around the Athens hills, doing laundry every couple days because I ran through sport bras too quickly and how pumped I was when I visited Leanne in Blacksburg and there was a sale on VT norts. And I fell back into thinking during the run, but not the bad thinking that started to permeate my thoughts in the spring of nightmares and unspoken words I would test out when I jogged - practicing how to say rape to the beat of the song of my feet of my fingers curled into themselves because it was always so cold. Coming home and jumping in the shower and I realize I miss that a bit, it was a really really shitty couple months but I had a lot of fun with nat and Kenz and Sonya and heids. and I guess today when I was absently thinking like I used too I realized that I can have those moments again and I will this spring. I liked being a runner, like that that was an adjective used to describe myself by other people. And I want to become a runner again, if only to clear my head and also get back to being tiny and looking hawt in Nike pro combat shorts ay papi.
in other news I just popped a xanax and am waiting to fall asleep by biting at my lips, which is a nervous habit of mine that I have never been able to break despite my penchant for purchasing ridiculously overpriced lip balms and goops and such
So, why are the funniest people the most depressed?
“Humor is a common defense mechanism. Some funny people like to make themselves and others laugh because it keeps them from crying. It distracts people from the real issues and pokes fun at things to minimize the impact. Albeit temporarily.”
I listen to the coleco remix of Florence and the machines cover of take care multiple times a day and now I’m back to where I was last year when I wanted someone to hurt me and then someone else to fall in love with me so this song would be relevant to my life which is a little fucked up. It always makes me laugh though because nat and I would play this all the time and one time when we were getting ready to go out she comes into my room and is all “do I look too ‘big girls all get a little taste’?” and I thought that was hilarious. Still do apparently. Also I like the “we’ll change the pace and just go slow” except instead of thinking sexual thoughts I imagine how this would look in text and it always appears like this: we’ll change the pace and just go sloOoOoOoOw. Also whenever I get really fucked up and super crazy I listen to this song because its like drake is whispering in my ear “we all have our nights though so don’t be so ashamed. I’ve had mine and you’ve had yours” and I’m like “yeah drake you’re totes right, I’m golden.”
I am a very moody person. Moodiness is not an attractive quality. I try not to be moody but sometimes I just sink into dark deep vats of anger and its so easy to hang out there and never leave. My exasperated face is wonderful, my pissed off face is absolutely frightening. So many faces, I’m not sure which one is my favorite. I’m snuggled in bed with my poncho breathing in Burberry perfume and gud body lotion, chilly, with nausea, and I’m afraid to fall asleep. I messed around with my lantus today and don’t know what’s going to happen. My mom is leaving for Detroit. I want to go. I just feel so disjointed. I guess this was a nice xany induced rambling. I dunno.
yesterday my mom handed me a hemp hoodlamb poncho and a nixon watch and I have been snuggled in my poncho all day while looking at said watch and pretending to be cool. my window is partially open and my room is perfectly freezing. there is a boy’s (men’s?) black sweater vest on my desk and I am not entirely sure who it belongs too and I don’t know if it’s bad that I find this to be a funny and a nice surprise as I have been on the hunt for a mens black sweater vest and now I have one for free. I’m reading Jacob Have I Loved and I am depressed and wish I was back on the water, either in Michigan or Boston. I watched Ted yesterday and miss Boston more than ever. Can’t believe I decided to stay in fuckstown virginia for so long. I really fucking love this poncho. it has a secret stash pocket that is so secret my mom and I can’t even find the damn thing. we’ve checked multiple times. I am not drinking alcohol anymore, at least not until my 19th diabetes day. I fucked up bad last night. frightening. I’m 22 years old and wake up to find my mom sleeping next to me “how else was I supposed to hear you if you started dying?” 22 years old and what? potentially wheeled into the ER “yes I’ve been drinking for 6 years, exercising for 10, managing my diabetes for 13, and I still didn’t take anything into consideration, and this is why I am here.” It’s like so this time last year I started hating myself for being diabetic, which scared me because previously I’d always just shrugged it off - what’s the point in hating it, nothings going to change. but its a year later, I’m going fucking blind, I rip out my transmitters when I am drunk, and whimper to stupid blog boy idiots about being a robot, and I still hate myself for being diabetic. it’s so annoying. I wish I had diabetic friends who understood why drinking and exercising and blood testing and insulin and drs visits suck, who understands the complexity of the disease and how it wears you down. that would be nice, I think.
"you’re pretty. like wicked pretty. and I really want to see you again. I think we could be good together. I can take care of you so you won’t have to worry about anything again. You can quit school if you want and do something you really care about. I’ll bring you with me on my international work trips. I just think you’re really pretty. Lets grab a beer"
WHAT. HOW ABOUT NO FOR X AMOUNT OF REASONS:
I don’t want to be taken care of you fuck. Have you never heard the song “Independent” by Webbie featuring Lil Boosie and Lil Phat? My face is practically the highlight of that music video
SCHOOL IS SOMETHING I REALLY CARE ABOUT. I LOVE TO READ.
the international work trips offer is cool…. really cool.. BUT I WONT GIVE IN
PRETTY? thats all you think? if you think I’m that superficial we got problems boo thang
beer? I cant drink beer. OBVIOUSLY you weren’t paying good enough attention to my drink choices at zee bar
“… and suddenly I got shivers down my spine thinking about how many different people one and the same person can be. Strong and feeble. Noble and mean. Brave and cowardly. There was no fathoming it.”—Agnes, “Nothing” by Janne Teller