so one of my closest friends is really into skincare and hopes to eventually begin her own clean skincare company (cool!). as someone who is obsessed with skincare, haircare, makeup, basically anything that you can smear on your body, she and I are clearly BFF. becoming friends with dana meant that I have all this skincare knowledge at my fingertips, like for instance, I can ask circa 3 am should I buy bareminerals or benefit foundation? I just bought toner made out of lavender and rose waters, is dat cool? WHY IS MY FACE BLOTCHY?? and homegirl has the answers. and do you know what this means? for the first time in EVER my face is BEAUTIFUL and I am not wearing make up or using acne medication or throwing cleansers on my face made out of alcohol and ingredients I can’t pronounce. this is kind of cool! also it’s nice because its fucking 100 degrees in boston and I can sweat my brains out and not worry about makeup smearing because I am not wearing any. it’s quite liberating actually, to feel pretty without makeup. I mean I love makeup, don’t get me wrong, but it’s nice being able to do regular things sans makeup and feel presentable. and then, like, idk go out at night and wear makeup and be like oh look my eyelashes are like woogly bears or whatever. I shall now go through my daily skin care regime so everyone can look like me.
AM: Lush Herbalism exfoliator
PM: Lush Aquamarina cleanser
Both: Lush Eau Roma water toner, FRESH Lotus Youth Preserve Face Cream
also, if you want really sexual lips, slather them with FRESH Sugar lip treatment and then basically everyone will want to kiss you. I should know, as the last guy I made out with basically wouldn’t get his lips off me. I mean, he was also “coked out of his mind” but I like to think it was my extremely kissable self that got him worked up in a state, and not the cocaine.
I am not a city person. I like cities and love cities but I need to settle down in a cabin up north. There is pressure in cities that I don’t yet know how to avoid and I feel drained, so very drained. I am going location shopping soon, need to get a plan together.
my mom asked me if I’ve been writing lately. she’s never really done this before. she keeps saying I should start formulating a plot outline or just write write write. but then Sonya told me the same thing earlier this week. and it’s like where do I even start? I’m setting myself up for failure.
However. My psych has been helping me recognize my “racing” thoughts which I never thought I had and now I’m like oh fuck that’s what that’s been this whole time?? I thought I was just acting out melodramas in my fucking head. Whenever I do have these racing periods, I always start to feel anxious. It’s why I first prescribed xanax in the first place all those years ago. On Monday I was too lazy to get my pills so I tried to write out what I was thinking instead. It wasn’t as clear as I wanted it to be and it wasn’t as lyrical, but it was there. And it did help, it calmed me down at least. I think it would be good to start doing that - writing down the racing thoughts and then going back and editing them later. Some patterns might come up.
I’ve been reading a lot. I suddenly have confidence to go to bars by myself. I gave up sex and candy bars for Lent. I need a girl best friend here like stat like fucking yesterday. I’ve started a sociological experiment called why don’t boys my age like me and why is it that only people over the age of 27 talk to me at bars and find me interesting while I feel like I’m on a different planet than everyone my age? I asked Jeff for some insight on this issue and he seriously says “it’s your emo bangs, they’re intimidating” and then he said “you cut people off to quickly” and I said well that’s because unlike you, I have standards and I’m not going to start genuinely liking someone just because they show some sort of interest. but maybe my standards are to high.
yesterday while watching the pats/ravens game an acquaintance asked me what the point of publishing realistic fiction for teens was. “why should teens be reading depressing books about sensitive topics, they should all be happy. teens don’t need to read that.”
WELL I’m happy that your childhood was so hunky-dory but that is definitely NOT THE CASE for every child in america you ignorant twat. what’s the point? what’s the point?!? are you fucking kidding me? life happens and life isn’t always a good time. bad things happen to good people, good people do bad things. teenagers should read books they can connect with, that depict everyday life - both the good and the bad. shielding teenagers from realistic fiction is both an insult to their intelligence and a way to negate the emotional response a novel can produce. I was so shocked she said that. It was so snotty. It made me thankful for the millionth time that I never divulged any of my bad life parts to her. It’s this quintessential Ivy League thing. Sheltered life, sheltered college experience that seems to be the only topic of conversation, job at a great company - but what are you passionate about? What are your interests?
She referred to us as free spirits. She is not a free spirit at all. Straight-backed to the bone. And me?? I am definitely not a free spirit. Are you serious?? I’m doped up on anxiety meds how the fuck am I a free spirit.
my professor has recommended that I read through reviews of all the books we’re going to read and let her know if there are certain novels I’ll have too much trouble with so she can provide a different title. I have trouble reading such realistic depictions about rape but I’ve been able to power through or give myself more time than usual to get through it because I know it will be hard. So I wasn’t entirely sure that I would take her up on that option.
Then I read the review of one of the novels we’re reading for next class. It’s about a rape that happens in Athens. It’s incestual, which has no relation to me, but rape nonetheless. THIS is hard - street names, geographical landmarks, local tidbits, only found in Athens. Lack of police help, only found in Athens. No one listening to you, only found in Athens. And then found in this book, that cuts too close, correlates too much, to the me that can only be found in Athens.
The heaviness before a panic attack is resonating through my body. My heart hurts. I want to get the panic attack over with but it’s dull, I know it’s not going to go away. I can’t talk about this relationship without crying. It’s easier to tell someone and then suddenly if I say I can’t read this book because of the setting, I’m choking out the word Athens.
I’ve been trying to work on my anticipatory anxiety but have no idea how I am going to get over this. I think I will try and set up a counseling session before class. Keep working on my breathing or whatever.
it’s morning #4 of a mood stabilizer induced sleep and I feel great. I’ve been sleeping on a normal schedule and I feel eerily calm. But not like other drug induced calms where you become really sleepy, just more slow I guess. I can focus much better. For the first time in months I was able to read a book straight through and retain the information; it was such a wonderful feeling. Drinking on it makes my heart pound and I had a triple espresso Thursday night & was entirely too over stimulated. I was so jittery. I start therapy in a week and a half which is good because feb 9 is coming and I don’t really know what is going to happen.
I went on a date with this guy on Thursday. We went to an improv show and then grabbed a couple drinks. He’s really nice, funny, into a lot of the same pop culture isms that I am. He’s a producer for a television show in the area and it’s really cool hearing about his job. He texted me all day yesterday and it made me go sour. I can’t do the whole texting convo through the whole day unless its like my bffs because otherwise I feel like people think that compensates for legitimate conversation, and it doesn’t. I would prefer if someone were to text me funny anecdotes or just to say hi, and then really talk when I’m with them.
Naturally I was recapping the whole thing with Elliot yesterday. I’m not a hugger (to which Elliot howled and said I know) but for going on casual dates, I kind of wish I was. Because I’m definitely not going to kiss the person (ooh am I having a change of heart) and the next thing would be hugging but that’s too close for me. I don’t like being touched by people. So the texting thing bothered me but then I could tell that he liked me and I don’t know why but that just makes me not want to pursue anything with them. I feel like I attract these adoring boys who put me on this pedestal and find me incredibly endearing but I am not the sort of person who should be revered. Like, at all. I take advantage of it as well and I’ve always been so used to getting my way and what I want that it’s actually fucking me over out here in the real world. This doesn’t make sense. It made sense when I was explaining it to Elliot. It’s just, I get away with everything - I’m always getting away with everything - and I guess I want to meet someone who will finally call me out on my shit and sit me down and say “stop pouting” “the world doesn’t revolve around you” “get over yourself” but then also have the emotional capacity to be sensitive when I’m in my deep deep depression. I feel some people try to do that with me - call me out on my shit - but when I go to them for support, it’s blown off or deemed not important enough or “minuscule” compared to what I do have, and it’s like, why? Why do people do that? The other day I texted Elliot being like oh beteedubs my doc thinks I’m bipolar and I’ve been out on mood stabilizers lololol and right away he called.
Mack was really good at that. Despite his faults he was really good, and probably the best, at dealing with me when I would call him crying or spend hours by myself in my room. I miss that sometimes and whenever I can feel my chest start clenching even harder than usual, I want to call him but I can’t.
The end of our conversation basically resulted in Elliot telling me that people don’t understand me because “passionate about literature and cuteness don’t often go hand in hand” and “when you meet people they meet the peppy Kendall, but you’re not always the peppy Kendall so you need to find someone who can deal with that” and finally “we have really good chemistry so we need to find a boy and girl best friend pair that also has really good chemistry and then date each other and hang out all the time.” Which is like the best idea ever. I’m all for Elliot trying to meet girls and everything but if they take away from my Elliot time I will become very jealous and conniving and evil.Oh and then the bipolar thing. Yeah I don’t know what to think of that. On one side it’s like enough already! Then on the other, it would explain A LOT. Also, my mother’s assumption would be correct. I guess as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized how much of an affect my drastically changing moods have on my relationship with my family. They are always getting mad because they don’t know how I’m going to react and I will be so irrationally angry. It would be nice if this explained it - actually it would explain a lot of faults that I have with myself and am unsure how to change. I think, too, we can cross of chronic depression and panic disorder. So then it’s bipolar and anxiety, which is better than all 4.
BLAH BLAH IM SORRY
news update: am unable to fully commit to my boycott of john green because the fault in our stars is on my contemporary realistic fiction list. we have been told to get over ourselves and leave our feelings at the door, which is kind of unfortunate because I was interested to see if anyone else in the class has heard about his casual racist remark and how they feel about it.
news update 2: I will go back to fully committing when the semester is over. So the last week in April ya’ll.
news update 3: I follow a lot of book blogs and ya know what I hate? When people quote lines from books they haven’t read. How can you understand the importance of a quote if you have no context in which to place it? You just like the pretty words, not the meaning. And you’re advertising to people that you have read the book which is lying which is not cool. Especially if your blog is strictly about books though maybe I’ll get crazy and have this apply to everyone and their mother.
where do men (boys?) get off thinking they can just hit on you whenever they want at any time of the day. I’ve spent years perfecting my saucy simmering anger and my glare and my “you’re incompetent grow a fucking brain” look and yet they are NOT deterred! just because I’m sitting over here air guitaring to smoke on the water, munching on my five guys burger and creeperily looking at the amazing 100+ option coke machine to figure out how to steal it DOES NOT MEAN I want to be hit on. More importantly, I’m obviously busy as fuck being weird as fuck, what in gods name do you want with me.
I would much prefer if I were reading a novel on the T or at a coffeeshop and a guy came up to me and was like hey I love that book wanna chat. Or like if I was blasting my current playlist of choice and a guy was like hey I love that cover of heart of glass, a bluegrass band is playing at a bar in Cambridge wanna go? BUT NO. THOSE MEN (BOYS?!?) DON’T EXIST EVIDENTLY.
and this has been a rant by Kendall as she eats her way through her anger at five guys, clearly negating her clean eating and guaranteeing an hour long run. GLUTEUS MAXIMUS.
today I slept and when I woke up I decided to go on a run. I can’t decide if I want to start training again, I probably will. Running the Athens half was really fun. I need new music to run too & I kept stopping to adjust my shorts or my headphones or to change the song and then I finally settled into the groove and ran ran ran for 45 minutes. I felt like I was back where I was in April, when I could run 7 minute miles easy peasy and spent my Sundays running loops around the Athens hills, doing laundry every couple days because I ran through sport bras too quickly and how pumped I was when I visited Leanne in Blacksburg and there was a sale on VT norts. And I fell back into thinking during the run, but not the bad thinking that started to permeate my thoughts in the spring of nightmares and unspoken words I would test out when I jogged - practicing how to say rape to the beat of the song of my feet of my fingers curled into themselves because it was always so cold. Coming home and jumping in the shower and I realize I miss that a bit, it was a really really shitty couple months but I had a lot of fun with nat and Kenz and Sonya and heids. and I guess today when I was absently thinking like I used too I realized that I can have those moments again and I will this spring. I liked being a runner, like that that was an adjective used to describe myself by other people. And I want to become a runner again, if only to clear my head and also get back to being tiny and looking hawt in Nike pro combat shorts ay papi.
in other news I just popped a xanax and am waiting to fall asleep by biting at my lips, which is a nervous habit of mine that I have never been able to break despite my penchant for purchasing ridiculously overpriced lip balms and goops and such
“Humor is a common defense mechanism. Some funny people like to make themselves and others laugh because it keeps them from crying. It distracts people from the real issues and pokes fun at things to minimize the impact. Albeit temporarily.”
I listen to the coleco remix of Florence and the machines cover of take care multiple times a day and now I’m back to where I was last year when I wanted someone to hurt me and then someone else to fall in love with me so this song would be relevant to my life which is a little fucked up. It always makes me laugh though because nat and I would play this all the time and one time when we were getting ready to go out she comes into my room and is all “do I look too ‘big girls all get a little taste’?” and I thought that was hilarious. Still do apparently. Also I like the “we’ll change the pace and just go slow” except instead of thinking sexual thoughts I imagine how this would look in text and it always appears like this: we’ll change the pace and just go sloOoOoOoOw. Also whenever I get really fucked up and super crazy I listen to this song because its like drake is whispering in my ear “we all have our nights though so don’t be so ashamed. I’ve had mine and you’ve had yours” and I’m like “yeah drake you’re totes right, I’m golden.”
I’VE LOOOVED AND I’VE LOSSSSSST
anyways. so that’s what I think about sometimes.