I really want to read my book but I also want to watch 87 hours of Netflix and travel the world and and kiss someone I like and sleep for most of the day… And also I have a lot of homework
boy #1 @ 5:05pm: “where have you been?”
boy #2 @ 9:30pm: “hey, haven’t talked to you in awhile. what have you been doing?”
boy #3 @ 10:45pm: “happy new year kg. what are you wearing?” (straight and to the point, I appreciate it)
so if someone could please explain why these dudes have been nonexistent for the past couple months and then, on the same day, all decide strike up a conversation that I have no desire to partake in?! sorry boys I’ve grown up and am not falling for your sales pitch expressions of love. I am over you over you OVER YOU BYE
(besides #3 because lets be honest, I’ve been in love with him last fall —- and a laugh that makes you want to be funny just so you can hear it again oh fuck.)
it is 7:12 am on wednesday morning. I have been up since yesterday. closed last night at work and got home around 2:30 am which is pretty nice and then clearly I decided to go through all of my syllabi and write all my assignments in my planner and then just curl up under my covers and not sleep. what the fuck is that about.
I miss Athens and OU so much. I look back on it and want to go back, and I worry that I will do that in a few years when I look back on Boston and that makes me so sad but I have no idea what to do differently so I can look back and feel fine. I think that when I move to Chicago it will be like that, similar to Athens, just because so many of my friends will be in one concentrated area and that makes me feel calm. It’s like, I look back on OU and think that I could have tried harder but then I think that is something that I only know because I’ve grown up - that I was good enough for OU, that I was smart enough, that now I have the confidence that I really really really needed while at school - and as for now, in Boston, I’m not sure there is anything else I can be doing, and maybe that’s more validated than me at OU.
I have to be at work at 10:45 and won’t be done until 5:45. so sleeping would be preferable. I am assuming it’s the lithium and strattera and wellbutrin keeping me up. cocktail wooh. I hate taking them - now I’ve started psyching myself up about swallowing pills which should really be the least of my worries - but I get so depressed when I am not on them. I mean dangerously depressed, dark and sad and gone from normality. so I have to take them. and then the moodiness - what part of that is from being bipolar and what is from diabetes? tell me please. a lot of people disappointed me this past weekend and I was pretty morose while at work and a few people asked me if I was okay and it made me feel nice, that people weren’t tossing my feelings aside as a “bipolar thing” as they are often wont to do at PC, unfortunately. but I guess it ends there because it wasn’t as if I was comfortable enough with anyone to explain why I was sad, all I could do was smile and say “yeah I’m fine.” which I am, I guess comparatively speaking to when I’m been reaaaal bad, but I’m not fine, I think.
if anything I’m ridiculously bored.
Boston you are so cold to me good god
Diabetes is fun, we get to play games like why am I so thirstyand where did this test strip come from
Don’t forget how many times per hour can i go pee and look I poked myself once but I’m bleeding twice!
currently reading through my old posts and laughing about dec 2012 me talking about how moody I am and what’s going on with that, and then a month later getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder. womp womp womp. hashtag take yo lithium girl.