this has been the weirdest / unsettling start to the new year. will the shittiness that is 2014 last? lets hope not.
I’ve been watching the first seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and they wear horrible outfits and exercise with their hair completely done and combine jeans and heels which is my biggest fashion pet peeve ever. However, coming from someone who has never watched this show and doesn’t really care about the kardashians because they’re not on my radar, I do really like Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe’s relationship. I think it’s sweet but I also think they are kind of psychotic but they are psychotic with each others best interests at heart and I think that’s pretty cool. But I hate giant hoop earrings. So there’s that.
So yesterday my psychologist referred to me as a functioning depressed person, which I assume is similar to a functioning alcoholic. Which is great, I don’t know. Usually schoolwork gets the biggest hit when I get depressed but I’ve been doing really well this semester. I’m proud of myself because I have been spacing out my work and doing it correctly and on time and not fucking shit up. I’d like to say it’s because I am in a better place than I was in the fall or over the past two years, but it’s not that at all. I don’t know. I was talking to Clare about hating not knowing if I am actually depressed or if this is bipolar induced depression which is even worse and Clare just said “depression is depression is depression, don’t think of it as less of an emotion because of how it is labeled.” And I really liked that.
Why did Rob Kardashian and Adrienne Bailon break up I love her??
1. fp skirt I bought with Al in chicago with fryes and a black blazer
2. cropped black pants, brown flats, oversized white fp sweater
3. leggings and oversized flannel shirt I slept in
IN OTHER NEWS
i ran four miles and instead of being a normal human and showering i took my clothes off and threw on a sweatshirt and climbed back into bed. gross probably. actually, definitely.
I really want to read my book but I also want to watch 87 hours of Netflix and travel the world and and kiss someone I like and sleep for most of the day… And also I have a lot of homework
LOL no you didn’t.
last night I went over to the guy I have been hooking up with for the past six months’ apt, apparently he double-booked and I arrived as he was ushering another woman out the door of his apartment complex. I walked in, looked at the two of them and he just goes “oh god this is so awkward,” introduces me to his so-called wife, explains that he has a “country” house and a “city” house, and then she looks at me and goes “you’ve been upstairs?” err yes. she turns to him and goes “have you been texting her this entire night?” and he says no… with me standing right there… “uh yeah he has, I’m going to go now” his parting words: I’ll call you tomorrow!
fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
what’s even better is that those weren’t his parting words oh no then he texts me an hour later asking me to come over because he is “horny” and “I’m not actually married”
so you just made a joke of me in front of the other girl you’ve been hooking up with. okay. so much makes sense. thank you. love the clarification. I feel really great now.
I want to ruin him. I’m not sad, I’m lethally angry. I wish I could make him feel as stupid as I feel right now. I wish I could kill him with words but he’s too thickheaded that none of it would effect him at all. I want to yell at him or text him angry things but he’s such an asshole that it literally won’t do anything to him. he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care about me. he doesn’t care about being a good person. I fucking hate him and I hate him for making me feel so small.
boy #1 @ 5:05pm: “where have you been?”
boy #2 @ 9:30pm: “hey, haven’t talked to you in awhile. what have you been doing?”
boy #3 @ 10:45pm: “happy new year kg. what are you wearing?” (straight and to the point, I appreciate it)
so if someone could please explain why these dudes have been nonexistent for the past couple months and then, on the same day, all decide strike up a conversation that I have no desire to partake in?! sorry boys I’ve grown up and am not falling for your sales pitch expressions of love. I am over you over you OVER YOU BYE
(besides #3 because lets be honest, I’ve been in love with him last fall —- and a laugh that makes you want to be funny just so you can hear it again oh fuck.)
it is 7:12 am on wednesday morning. I have been up since yesterday. closed last night at work and got home around 2:30 am which is pretty nice and then clearly I decided to go through all of my syllabi and write all my assignments in my planner and then just curl up under my covers and not sleep. what the fuck is that about.
I miss Athens and OU so much. I look back on it and want to go back, and I worry that I will do that in a few years when I look back on Boston and that makes me so sad but I have no idea what to do differently so I can look back and feel fine. I think that when I move to Chicago it will be like that, similar to Athens, just because so many of my friends will be in one concentrated area and that makes me feel calm. It’s like, I look back on OU and think that I could have tried harder but then I think that is something that I only know because I’ve grown up - that I was good enough for OU, that I was smart enough, that now I have the confidence that I really really really needed while at school - and as for now, in Boston, I’m not sure there is anything else I can be doing, and maybe that’s more validated than me at OU.
I have to be at work at 10:45 and won’t be done until 5:45. so sleeping would be preferable. I am assuming it’s the lithium and strattera and wellbutrin keeping me up. cocktail wooh. I hate taking them - now I’ve started psyching myself up about swallowing pills which should really be the least of my worries - but I get so depressed when I am not on them. I mean dangerously depressed, dark and sad and gone from normality. so I have to take them. and then the moodiness - what part of that is from being bipolar and what is from diabetes? tell me please. a lot of people disappointed me this past weekend and I was pretty morose while at work and a few people asked me if I was okay and it made me feel nice, that people weren’t tossing my feelings aside as a “bipolar thing” as they are often wont to do at PC, unfortunately. but I guess it ends there because it wasn’t as if I was comfortable enough with anyone to explain why I was sad, all I could do was smile and say “yeah I’m fine.” which I am, I guess comparatively speaking to when I’m been reaaaal bad, but I’m not fine, I think.
if anything I’m ridiculously bored.